I love to drink.

But when I drink too much, everyone around me gets all pissy about my aggressive behavior toward yard gnomes and other animate-looking inanimate objects.

I get it. I’m sorry. I’m a jerk.

But if you suffer similar criticisms and feel bad when people make you feel bad for drinking too much, here’s how to rationalize your way out of it.

I’m pleased to announce a new segment where I reply to song lyrics. For this inaugural edition, I will be replying to Jay-Z, Amil, and Ja Rule. My replies are in bold.

[Intro: JAY-Z]
What?
Well fuck you... bitch

That’s not a particularly cordial salutation, but I can play at this. Fuck you, too.