After basketball practice in middle school, I was inevitably the last kid waiting for his parent to pick him up. Often late into the night. During that time, I had two options:

Read a book

Or live in the moment

You know what I chose to do?

I would like to begin this post with a well thought-out introduction, but all I can say is: What the Fuck?! Why are there so many fucking douchebags out there proclaiming to the world that Family is #1, with the subtext of, I’m a hero for caring about and putting my family first.

Skidmarks, do you have any idea what kind of animals we humans are?

So many times in life, so many people say something that they think is deep, something that actually sounds deep, sounds smart, but with the slightest of thought, just flat-out isn’t.

Instead, it’s actually quite stupid.

That’s a Duchovny.

If you’re like me, you have some serious grudges against your father.

Here are my three main grudges against the dude:

1) My Dad Never Hit Me

Thanks for not beating me, you jerk.

I love to drink.

But when I drink too much, everyone around me gets all pissy about my aggressive behavior toward yard gnomes and other animate-looking inanimate objects.

I get it. I’m sorry. I’m a jerk.

But if you suffer similar criticisms and feel bad when people make you feel bad for drinking too much, here’s how to rationalize your way out of it.

I’m pleased to announce a new segment where I reply to song lyrics. For this inaugural edition, I will be replying to Jay-Z, Amil, and Ja Rule. My replies are in bold.

[Intro: JAY-Z]
What?
Well fuck you... bitch

That’s not a particularly cordial salutation, but I can play at this. Fuck you, too.

Everyone knows that LA Rams head coach Sean McVeigh is an innovator.

But it’s his pal, Kliff Klingsbury, head coach of the Arizona Cardinals, that is putting a fresh spin on the stale hairstyle that is the comb-over.

We’re all well aware of the comb-over, where a very balding geezer* grows the hair on the side of his head so long that he can comb it over the bald spot on top, so as to give the impression of a full head of hair.

Prior to the 2020/2021 Olympics, the hands-down dumbest “sport” they allowed in the competition was race walking.

Not only does it look stupid as they wiggle their asses off for 20 kilometers, but it’s pretty much an oxymoron. If you’re gonna race, run you idiots.

I’ve heard proud parents say it over and over again. “My child taught me patience.”

This is one of the most frustrating statements ever, because it’s so patently stupid and yet if you point that out to them, you’re a dick.

But I can speak freely here.

I received a phone call from a “Haruta”-san of Setagaya Park saying that the state of emergency declaration has been extended until 6/20, so operating hours for the tennis courts are limited until 8pm during that time.

Check out what AI translation did with that:

While the Covid-19 pandemic has been devastating, I’m happy to report that over 3,000,000 lives and counting have not been lost in vain.

As inferred in the below New York Times article, the death knell has sounded for skinny jeans!

“I didn’t know your sister was back with her ex-husband,” my Japanese wife said to me while scrolling through Instagram.

“Huh?” I replied, dumbfounded. No way was she back with her ex. “What are you talking about?!”

“Look, it’s right here,” she said, showing me her cellphone. “She just posted a picture of her and her ex-husband. They must be back together because they’re all lovie-

It’s March 2021, and there’s never been a better time to be alive.

Almost all of us have been in a tremendous funk, feeling like complete dogshit for what seems like ages as we’ve been suffering through a pandemic, climate change catastrophes, and the fucking Trump presidency.

But like they say, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Wait a sec. Is it? That can’t be right. That sounds retarded.