Bold Predictions for the 2022 NFL Season

Every year, NFL “experts” make bold predictions, and every year those predictions are complete hogwash. Please excuse my language, but the hypocrisy of it all really burns my britches. They want credit when they happen to be right, but won’t bear any responsibility when they’re wrong.

Well, not this guy. As you can see from years past, I stand behind my bold predictions. In certain East African countries, they even serve as currency.

Cause they’re always fuckin’ right.

Having said that, I had four bold predictions last year, and none of them came true.

Culpa mia.

I predicted that Jonathan Taylor wouldn’t be a Top 15 Fantasy RB. He was the overwhelming #1.

I predicted that Najee Harris would be the #1 Fantasy RB. I think he was like 4th. Or 6th. Or 8th. Somewhere in there.

I predicted that Wayne Gallman would be a “league winner.” He may not have even sniffed the field.

And I predicted that rookie Mac Jones would lead the Patriots to another New England Super Bowl title. He didn’t.

To be honest, even I’m stunned by how awful those predictions were. They were rectum-shatteringly bad. I may never be able to sit again. Frankly, a drunk two-year-old would have unquestionably done better.

But I won’t shrink from my responsibility. I’m a man of my word. As promised in last year’s prediction post, from this day forth, please refer to me as King Little Dick.

Well, at least I’m the king of little dicks, and not just some little dicked peasant.

Anyhoo, I swear that I will make it up to you this year. You can bet your genitalia on it. If I’m wrong on even one of my predictions, I’ll buy an arsenal of “I’m With Stupid” t-shirts, and have whoever I’m with wear one. At all times.

Here we go:

#1. Not only will BUF QB Josh Allen not be the #1 Fantasy QB as he’s been the last two years and as everyone has him ranked this year, he won’t even make the Top 10.

Why?

Because he’s a product of genius QB-whisperer Brian Dabol, who has left his job as BUF offensive coordinator to become the head coach of the NY Giants. Without Dabol, Allen’s nothing but a super athletic, super big, super strong, super handsome dum-dum. Without a doubt, he will revert to throwing balls 15 feet over his WR’s heads.

“I can’t remember if I’m supposed to throw to the receiver or fifty yards through the back of the end zone. It was 50 yards through the back of the end zone, right?”

There’s no question that football-savant Brian Dabol is the mastermind behind Allen’s heretofore success.

Which brings me to …

#2. Daniel Jones, QB of the NY Football Giants (side note: there are no other NY Giants, so no need to call yourselves the NY Football Giants, you imbecels. No other team puts the word Football between their city and mascot. Because it’s understood that they play football!!!), now under the tutelage of football God Brian Dabol, will be a Top 10 Fantasy QB. His current consensus rating is in the gutter. (#22 on FantasyPros)

White Buddha imparting all football knowledge ever on newly enlightened Daniel Jones

#3. SF WR Brandon Aiyuk will be a Top 12 WR (currently he’s #35 on FantasyPros).

Why?

Because not only will he continue to progress as a receiver in his third year under Mike Shanahan, but Deebo Samuel will get injured as fuck, elevating him to the #1 spot on the team.

“Bro, predicting an injury for me is not cool. I’m smiling, but if I get hurt this year, I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.”

Incidentally, none of those blowhard “experts” even dare to predict injuries. Pussies!

And Now For the Big One:

#4 Jerry Jeudy, currently the #25 WR on Fantasy Pros, will be the Overall Big Champion Super Happy Lucky #1 Fantasy WR.

Boom!

Jerry Jeudy the Redeemer. Soon to replace the Jesus statue overlooking Rio de Janeiro.

Why?

Because he’s this year’s Cooper Kupp.

It all lines up:

Before the season last year, everyone thought that Robert Woods was 1a and Kupp 1b. Woods was going around the 4th round in fantasy drafts and Kupp the 5th.

Well this year, everyone thinks Courtland Sutland is 1a and Jeudy 1b. And guess what? Sutland’s going around the 4th and Jeudy the 5th.

Further, last year, the LA Rams brought in a stud QB to take them to the next level.

This year, the DEN Broncos brought in Russel Wilson. It all adds up to:

Un-LIIIIIIIIM-ited.

“Let’s Ride!”

Oh My God, these predictions are gonna smash. Scrounge up as much money as you can from all your friends and family, spread it around on these predictions, and don’t forget who to thank when you’re set for life:

King Little Dick, that’s who.

You’re welcome.