2023 New Year Resolutions

1) End the War in Ukraine. I think people would like that.

2) Learn some negotiating skills. Not so much how to talk a terrorist out of killing innocent civilians, but more so how to talk a 2-year-old out of touching my iPhone.

3) Stop inflation. I think people would like that, too. Especially old people who have all their savings in cash.

4) Start eating interesting things like gold bullion, cow poop, and rejected llama fetuses. Or is it feti? Either way, it’s bound to finally make me interesting.

I never realized how appetizing llama fetuses (feti?) are until i google-imaged them. Looks scrumptious! p.s. I didn’t google them, I ecosia’d them. Look it up if you give a shit about planet earth. Ignoramus.

5) End world hunger. I think people would like that. And combined with #1 & #3, it just might be enough to get people to think I’m better than Jesus. Or at least on par with Jesus. Or to at least like me. Maybe tolerate me? Kinda? Regardless, I don’t think it’ll even be all that hard. Just start a FB page saying how bad world hunger is and people will see what a good person I am and the problem will resolve itself. Actually, I think this resolution is prolly good enough. Resolved! Pat yourself on the back, Li’l Jesus.

6) Stop calling her ‘asswipe’ and start calling her ‘mom’. Or at least ‘buttwipe’. Gosh, it’s hard to think of a kinder step down than from ‘ass’ to ‘butt’. I’m such a good son that it breaks my heart. I’m always thinking of that wonderful buttwipe that brought me life.

This skid mark reminds me of my mom. in a good way.

7) Stop “feeling in the flow” when writing these annual resolutions drunk at 2am in 20 minutes. You’re not “in the flow,” bro. You’re drunk and sleepy and dull-headed. And you realize that every year when you read how crap the last year’s ones were before “writing” the next year’s. “Feeling in the flow” don’t make these turds any better. Just stop it, bro.

8) Never!

Happy Year of the Rabbit!