The Best Japanese Words Ever – Part 5

Here are 6-8 more wonderful Japanese terms. For this post, I’m focusing on homonyms. All these words sound exactly the same, or at least exactly the same to my gaijin ears, but with very different meanings. Sometimes head-scratching. Sometimes balls-scratching. Enjoy!

1) うみ (umi) means both “sea” (海) and “pus” (膿).

It’s of course not uncommon for a Japanese person to say, “I love the sea.” But is that what they’re really saying? In my opinion, it’s more likely that they’re actually telling you how much they love little pools of dead tissue, cells, and bacteria.

Bonus Japanese lesson: Boku mo umi ga ski. “I love pus, too.”

2) ぜんさい (zensai) means both “ex-wife” (前妻) and “appetizer” (前菜).

Well done, Japan. This is a very interesting way of looking at one’s first wife. You’ve got novelty, optimism, and romanticism all wrapped into one.

3) せいこう (sayekoh) means both “success” (成功) and “sex” (性交)

Well done again, Japan. You’ve really hit the nail on the head with this one.

4) はくじょう (hakujoh) means both “cold-hearted” (薄情) and “confession” (白状).

There are actually a lot of ways to run with this because “confession” is used both for criminals confessing to crimes and for the smitten confessing their love. Since it’s probably more often used for confessions of love, I take this to imply that confessing your love is cold-hearted because you’re a loser putting the burden of breaking your loser heart on the unfortunate object of your affection. Keep those feelings to yourself. Burden.

5) こうふく (kohfuku) means both “happiness” (幸福) and “surrender” (降伏).

I guess this is for the French.

6) へい (hay) means both “soldier” (兵) and “fart” (屁).

C’mon, Japan. For such a patriotic nation with an imperialist past, don’t you think that’s a little disrespectful to the troops?

Full disclosure: You actually hold the “ay” sound longer or emphasize it or something when saying the word for “soldier”, but both words sound the same to me.

7) すいせい (suisay) means both “planet Mercury” (水星) and “comet” (彗星).

Are you fucking kidding me?! How does that not cause confusion every time it’s said. How could you possibly know which one the speaker is referring to. That would be like having a word that means both “star” and “Earth”. They have that, too? Oh c’mon. What the fuck, Japan?!

8) Last but not least, びょういん (byoin) means both “hospital” (病院) and “cause of disease” (病因).

If it wasn’t so often ironically and tragically true, I’d being calling you retarded, Japan. But as it is, it’s like pessimistic poetry at its finest.

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