3 Cool Characters My Daughter Is Currently Into
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I’m happy to share with you a few characters that my daughter absolutely loves.
First, there’s Pee-stain the Yellow Lion.
A Vampire is Running for Governor of Chiba Prefecture
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Here’s a shot of a few candidates that I saw on the news here on NHK. Followed by a close up of the last guy displayed. The vampire.
Read MoreCancel Culture Comes to Japan
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I’m extremely saddened to report that the flying plastic bag of dogshit that is ‘cancel culture’ has arrived in Japan.
Mr. Yoshiro Mori, an 83-year-old fossil who was the president of the Tokyo Olympics organizing committee, has been forced to resign because he said that women talk too much.
This is such crap.
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2021 New Year Resolutions
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Let’s make 2021 the Year of Stops & Starts
Here’s mine:
1) Stop donating blood to try to fool people into thinking that I’m a good person and Start donating blood cause it makes it super easy to get drunk super fast.
2) Stop working for the man and Start my own business.
Read MoreShould we quarantine kids with colds?
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Today, I answer another question from one of my beloved readers. He writes:
Dear John,
The Covid-19 pandemic has been a nightmare, but there seems to be many lessons we should be learning, particularly about how we handle viruses. Along that line, when our kids come home with a cold, should we quarantine them? Should we completely isolate them so they don’t infect the rest of us?
Read MoreStop Sending My Baby Presents, Japan!
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Bringing life into the world is wonderful.
There are many reasons for this and chief among them is all the free shit that you get. All the gifts from friends, family, and stalkers.
In Japan, however, they have twisted something beautiful into something grotesque.
Read MoreHow to Defeat Trump; A Simple & Unfuckupable Strategy for Biden to Annihilate Trump
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Everyone knows that Trump is a lying, incompetent, douchebag of a president.
And yet, there is a chance that Biden could lose to him in the upcoming election. The greatest risk in my mind would be Biden making things complicated.
Which is why I say: Joe, don’t complicate things. Don’t overthink it. Just use my below line which is guaranteed to win you the election.
Read MoreGuest Post: Dear government, let’s cut the shit. Can we just start making pleasure-drugs already?
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The government’s main job, as Thomas Jefferson probably knew, is to provide us a pathway to eternal pleasure. By that, I mean, we need drugs. I am not talking about weak sauce like cocaine or heroin and shit. I’m talking about not-yet-developed ultra hyper pleasure-drugs with no side effects other than possibly incessant orgasming and an acute feeling of exultation.
Skeptical? Well then this article is for you. Read on brutha’.
Read MoreBold Predictions for the 2020 NFL Season
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As I mentioned in my inaugural bold predictions post in 2018, bold predictions by the “experts” are almost all bullshit pussy predictions because they want credit when they’re right, but won’t take responsibility when they’re wrong.
It makes me sick and it makes me want to hurt children, so you won’t find this “expert” doing anything of the sort. I take credit & responsibility for all my predictions. Be they bold or tepid or vagynal.
Read MoreThe Best Japanese Words Ever – Part 6
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It’s time for 6-8 more illustrious Japanese terms. After a couple straightforward ones, it’s a hodgepodge of headscratchers and homonyms, with a couple venereal disease terms mixed in to make this a very special STD edition!
1) 歯垢 (shikoh) = teeth dirt = plaque.
Nice and simple, telling it like it is. That’s exactly why I love you, Japanese. When coming across the word “plaque” in English for the first time, there’s no normal human
Read MoreNotes to Willy; (a.k.a Hamlet is Overrated, Illogical, and All Around Sucky)
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I finally read Hamlet (the CliffsComplete version with explanations and commentary of course), and given its reputation and the fact that it has been produced in something like 700 different countries and 48,000 different languages, I was shocked by how not-good it is.
If Shakespeare was an unknown entity and he sent the manuscript to a developmental editor today, this is the feedback he would receive:
Read MoreHow to Raise Happy Kids; Outstanding Advice from a Horrible Person
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My first child will be born soon and I figured I should monetize the situation by keeping notes and then eventually writing a book on how to raise happy, well-adjusted, and most importantly, good-looking children.
But after thinking over all of the things I’ve heard and learned over the years, I think it can be summed up in a single sentence:
Read MoreTop 10 Humorous Fiction Novels of All Time! (that I've ever read)
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If you’re looking for a hilarious novel to read that is packed with lol’s, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a list of the 10 best ones that I’ve had the pleasure of reading.
Click on any title for my full review. Except for one, that is. One very special comedic novel has a link that will take you to a magical place of humor for money. That’s hot! I hope you can find it.
Read MoreAn Open Letter To My Body #2; Stop Feeding Me Corona, You Retard!
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Dear Body,
I’ve asked you this question before, but seriously, are you a fucking retard?!
Are you trying to kill me?! Stop force-feeding me corona.
I understand that you think it’s cute when you make me rub my eyes to remove some
Read MoreNightmare (Part 2)
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I came home from work to find my pregnant wife sitting at the dining room table with hospital pamphlets strewn out before her.
“Did the appointment go okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she replied. “The baby’s growing just fine.”
Read MoreNightmare
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“I had the worst nightmare ever,” my pregnant wife declared as I strolled into the kitchen on a lazy Sunday morning.
“Is that so?” I replied on my way to the refrigerator.
“You were at a café with another woman.”
This peaked my interest. Particularly because I don’t drink coffee. “What was I
Read MoreThe Corona Virus will Likely Continue to Get Worse in Japan - A Local Tale in Tokyo
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I don’t enjoy bad-mouthing Japan, because I absolutely love it here, but with respect to the corona virus, the Japanese government is speaking out of both sides of its mouth.
In order to prevent the spread of the corona virus, government officials are asking businesses and citizens alike to cancel events where many people would be gathering in a relatively small space. This has been all over the news, and it makes a lot of sense. A densely-packed event is a corona virus wet dream.
Read More2020 New Year’s Resolutions
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1) Learn how to remove a human kidney. I can’t freakin’ wait to see the look on mom’s face when she wakes up in a tub of ice and sees that letter about calling 911 and stuff. It’s gonna be priceless.
2) Learn photoshop so I can smear poop mustaches on photos of shitbag celebrities and post them on Facebook. Your day of reckoning is near, Daniel Day Lewis! You shitbag.
Read MoreThe Best Japanese Words Ever – Part 5
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Here are 6-8 more wonderful Japanese terms. For this post, I’m focusing on homonyms. All these words sound exactly the same, or at least exactly the same to my gaijin ears, but with very different meanings. Sometimes head-scratching. Sometimes balls-scratching. Enjoy!
1) うみ (umi) means both “sea” (海) and “pus” (膿).
It’s of course not uncommon for a Japanese person to say, “I love the sea.” But is that
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